The world seems to be getting more and more polarised, with echo chambers both online and in real life, and people getting less and less inclined to listen to each other. And many of us are suffering deep distress due to conflicts with friends or family members over differences of opinion. It’s getting more and more common to “go no contact” even with close family. There must be a better way! We often have the urge to try and change other people’s minds. But we will rarely change our minds on the basis of being told we are wrong! If minds are to change, it will happen inside a secure, mutually respectful friendship, and this starts with listening; with genuine curiosity. The workshop was intended as a space for people to practise listening to each other even when it is difficult, and also, to “try on” other opinions so as to gain insight and empathy into how it feels to have different points of view.
These are not rules, but just ideas! It’s just a place to start. Use the ones that work for you, experiment with others and if you have some of your own to add, go for it! (In the examples below, I’ve tried to pick a range of controversial opinions. Don’t read too much into that - I’m just using them to demonstrate the kinds of questions you can ask!)
You can’t turn off your feelings, and it is normal to feel anger, fear, frustration, etc when talking to someone you disagree with. The trick is not to deny these feelings but stay aware of them, to note them, and make a conscious decision not to act on them right now, while acknowledging their presence.
Avoid misunderstanding and get a good grasp of what the other person really thinks, by asking questions such as:
To be sure you’ve understood, try repeating back to the Speaker to check you got it right:
(This one can be tricky, as you don’t want to sound incredulous or like you are ridiculing them, so take care of the tone of voice you use.)
Positive questions give the person a chance to show their passion and enthusiasm for the topic. Experiencing positive emotions changes people’s brain chemistry and pheromones and will give the whole interaction a lift! Use positive words like “favourite”, “best”, “like”, “enjoy”, “happy”, “good”:
Sometimes it’s hard to think of a positive question, so don’t worry if one doesn’t come.
Practical questions are not about emotions or judgements, but just about facts - where have you been, what have you done:
Of course, practical questions can open up space for positive ones. (What was your favourite thing about the protests? What’s the last thing you did in the group that you really liked? etc)
Asking why questions can appear very challenging and judgemental and can turn the conversation into a conflict. Sometimes, we want to ask why out of genuine curiosity, but I would still suggest avoiding it because it is so easily misunderstood. Instead. Go for other “wh” words:
Questions about how the person came to believe the thing, can help to understand it in the context of them as a human being.
Many attendees gave us feedback after the session, which we will incorporate into future sessions:
The techniques we practised in this workshop are not original and we don’t own them, so if you want to run a workshop like it yourself, please go ahead! It is a great way to give people a chance to practise these difficult skills in a safe way.
But the ultimate point of it is to go forth and use them in real life when you are actually faced with someone stating an opinion that frightens or angers you.
Go easy on yourself, don’t expect too much - it will take practice!
It might help to treat it like a game. You could give yourself two points for asking a positive question and one point for a practical question. And double points if the other person’s opinion is really awful! See if you can improve your score week on week …